do i have any extra?

patience.  that word.  ugh.  i am not friends with that word lately.  february 2013 can suck it.  sorry for the crassness.  but there is some passion behind those words.  for. sure.  

i have spent the better part of the last twelve months working on my level of patience.  with myself, with my life, with others, with my plan, with lack of control, with small children, with pat.  i feel like i should be part way through a doctorate degree in it by now.  but it still gets me.  i still reach a point where i just can't seem to drudge up another *effin* ounce of it. 

hello universe?  can you here me?  i could use a little break over here.  and yes, i know.  all of this will make sense someday.  who knows when.  and not knowing is not half the battle.  it's like, all of it.  

i just found out another friend is pregnant.  and no- i do not want any of you, if you happen to read this blog- to feel any sort of pitty or the like for me.  you should be joyful.  you are growing a human!  

with that said, it is so. so. so. hard to sit back and watch all these beautiful women in my life have an experience that i so long to have.  it makes me anxious.  every time another someone in my life is blessed with this miracle.  

i feel like i am an outsider.  and i just want to be a member of the club.  when is enough, enough?  when do i say that i have given it all that i can this way, and when do i start looking for solutions with  *regular* medicine?  ugh.  for me, the line between wanting something really bad, and compromising my integral belief system is blury.  because what if i choose a different path, different than what i am entirely comfortable with, and it doesn't work?

i need something to give. right now, it is a drain on my patience.  because when our car breaks down, our tax return turns into a tax bill, i have an assignment due for a class that i don't want to do, and i don't get that job i realllllly wanted.  there is no extra patience for that.  

on a lighter note, i did win a $25 gift certificate the the library's used book store.